My Journey of Faith

My Journey of Faith


Jidian


[Author's note] The following testimony was included in the newly published book Heartreach: The Ongoing Project Dengke Story by British Christian adventurer and philanthropist Professor Mel Richardson (Chapter 18, pp. 153-166). It was slightly revised and updated at the end when it is posted here on the author's blog.

It was close to the sunset time. I went out of the Tibetan style “Friendship Center” built by the British Christians and walked to the new memorial and museum of General Dengma (a historical Tibetan warrior and leader). I was in this small Tibetan village called Luoxu, or Dengke before it changed its name a few years ago (I am still used to calling it Dengke). After taking a few photos of the memorial, I walked towards the river. It is called the “Jinsha River”, the Chinese name for this section of the Yangtze near its source. I stood there with a lot of emotions in my heart – this was the site where we (the expedition team) camped with our tents 28 years ago.

This was the summer of 2018. A few days earlier I flew from my home in the Baltimore (US) suburb to my hometown of Chengdu, Sichuan in China. Then I flew to the Tibetan city of Yushu in the Qinghai Province, and took a few hours of ad hoc minivan-for-hire trip to the little town of Dengke. I came here to join the Project Dengke 2018 team and spend a few days with them. It was also a re-visit and a reunion because I was here with the first British hovercraft expedition in 1990, although only one member on the 1990 team, Mel Richardson the “nutty professor”, was here this year.

While listening to the sound of running water in the river, I thought about how the trip to this exact place 28 years ago impacted on me and changed my life. I thought about how it influenced my spiritual journey from an atheist to a Christian. I could not but marvel at God’s grace and providence.

28 years ago, I was a young professional in the city of Chengdu working for a chemical industry research institute as a polymer scientist. That was one year after the “June 4th (incident)”. I might look like a “normal” young man outside, but I had a lot of pain and struggles deep in my heart. The June 4th event had very profound impact on me.

I was born into a Chinese intellectual family. Both my parents graduated from the Huaxi Medical University, which was a Christian medical school established by western missionaries before the communist era (my parents entered the university after 1949 and were atheists).  After their graduation, they were “assigned by the Party” to a very rural, remote and poor Tibetan area in Sichuan (in the same Garze Autonomous Tibetan Area as Dengke is) and worked there for more than 20 years.  They spent the best years in their lives serving people there as medical doctors while living a very hard life.  

I was raised by my grandma in the city of Chengdu so I could get the educations.  I learnt and knew at a very young age that I had to study hard, to get outstanding scores and to enter college if I wanted to escape from having to end up in the poor Tibetan area.  This became the whole purpose of my life and I studied very hard.  In 1982 I fulfilled my dream and entered Fudan University in Shanghai, which is one of the best universities in China (nicknamed “China’s Yale”).  I was only 16 when I left my hometown to pursue higher education in the thousand-miles-away city of Shanghai.  

All the education I could get in China was imbued with heavy atheist teachings.  Fudan University was known for its academic openness and “westernization”.  While in Fudan, I started to become very interested in western thoughts and culture (probably more than subjects in my chemistry major), and began to build up a self-centered worldview and life philosophy out of the influence by the non-Christian western thoughts.  By then I already had doubted and rebelled against the “official” communist ideology, but I was not seeking my faith deeply.  I thought my faith was “I do not believe in anything”.  

After graduation, I went back to Chengdu and started to work in the research institute.  I entered the real world without a fixed faith or a matured worldview.  On one hand, I felt lost and aimless, and learnt to be “just like everyone else”, wasting time and damaging my own health on “entertainments” such as playing mahjong (with gambling) all night or drinking bai jiu (Chinese hard liquor) to be drunk. On the other hand, deep in my heart, I was unwilling to sink like others because I thought I still had a little remainder of the traditional Chinese intellectual style, i.e., Confucian, ideals and ambitions.  Those ideals and ambitions were not clear, yet I believed that at least I had the desire to be a good and useful man to the society and to make contributions to my country.

When the June 4th event happened, I was on the street of Chengdu with many young students and intellectuals.  I was much excited and actively involved in the movement.  Tragically, the flame of our patriot enthusiasm was quickly put out by cruel reality (similar suppressing took place in Chengdu as in Beijing).  With the feeling of miserable disillusion, my heart sank to deep darkness and hopelessness.  Without a faith, I was not able to face the reality and I could not find an answer to my hearts’ questions, and life became meaningless and unbearably painful.  I was totally lost and broken spiritually.  

I tried hard to escape this feeling of being lost by seeking money and pleasure, but I totally failed to get any real satisfaction from those.  Moreover, the surroundings around me were showing me how treacherous and dark human hearts could be every day.  I started to realize that “the heart of the problem is the problem of heart”, and how insignificant and pitiful I was myself.  With all those incurable weaknesses of myself, I was unable to go beyond myself, let alone to practise the Confucian idealism of “cultivation of personality, regulation of family, order of the nation, and peace and harmony of the world”.  

In the spiritual pain and thirst, I began to realize the desperate needs for a transcendent faith.  I started to seek philosophical and religious knowledge.  I read a lot about things of “spiritual” nature, which ranged from western philosophy to traditional Chinese beliefs, and even included things like Qi Gong and fortune telling.  Occasionally I would find a little sparkle of human wisdom in those writings, but they did not give me any significant answers.  Some of my readings were related to Christianity, but most of them in were very negative, criticizing and even attacking Christianity as a superstitious religion or imperialist tool.  Only a few books were introducing Christian thoughts as one kind of western philosophical or cultural resource.  One of books was authored by Dr. Liu Xiaofeng who was later deemed a leading “cultural Christian”.  The book was titled “Salvation and Carefree-ness”, and in it Christian worldview was compared with other western and oriental thoughts and cultures.  In a strange way, this book created some affinity and good impression for Christianity on me.

At the same time, God also gave me a few opportunities to know some Christian friends, although there were so few of them in China.  Then came my encounter with the British hovercraft expedition. In 1990, with my English speaking ability, I took some tests and got a license to lead tourist groups as an interpreter guide. One day on the campus of Huaxi Medical University, I met a few guys of the British team, and chatted with them. (One of them was Gwyn Davies-Scourfield, and a picture of me talking with him on that day is in Dick Bell’s To the Source of Yangtze.) And they were very friendly with me and we saw each other for a few more times for me to practice my English with them. I learned that the team would use hovercraft to go upstream the Yangtze to the source of the river, and to access the Tibetan areas along the banks of the river’s upstream.  Besides scientific investigations, they would send medicines and technologies to those remote areas for humanitarian aids by the unique way of transportation. So within the group they had a polymer science and engineering team led by Mel Richardson, and a medical team led by “Dr. Ray” (Rachel Grace Pinniger).

And then the head of a mountaineer group in a Chinese geography research institute came to me and asked me if I would take a temporary job as the interpreter for him and join them to accompany and assist the British expedition team in the Garze-Shiqu area. Garze, Tibetan, medical, polymer…, all these words naturally bring upon my heart connections to my background, and I was more than willing to take the job, although I dared not tell my boss at my research institute (those were the days when Deng Xiaoping just opened China’s door to the world, and the first wave just arose of Chinese intellectuals taking “the second career” to make extra money, which was forbidden before.)  

So I went on the journey to Dengke with the British team and their Chinese company.  I soon learnt that the British side was a team consisted mostly of Christians, and they had to face a lot of difficulties and challenges in Graze. Not only did they have to face the extremely harsh geographical environment in the areas near the source of Yangtze, but also they had to deal with the most frustrating bureaucracy and materialist greed of the Chinese side.  It even made me to lose heart and patience and get angry.  However, I saw with my own eyes how these Christians prayed and trusted their God to face the difficulties, and how they showed their Christian love, not only to the people they helped (mostly the Tibetans), but also to those who made it difficult for them, with forgiveness and understanding. I became the team’s friend and in many things I was obviously on their side instead of the Chinese side.

I saw how they worshiped on Sundays in their tents on the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau (with Mel playing guitar for the hymns). But more impressively, I saw how Dr. Ray gave vaccination to little Tibetan kids, and how the team talked to a few Tibetans with leprosy and prayed for them, much to the dismay and fear of the Chinese side. I saw the British gentlemen physically labored hard to remove rocks that blocked the road. I saw how kind the team members were to the Tibetan villagers and how much they desired to help the Tibetans by building a simple bridge or a humble house… The British Christians’ positive attitude to life and their unwavering faith in God gave me such a wonderful and powerful testimony during the more than one month’s time I lived and worked together with them, even though they did not get much time to tell me about God and study the Bible with me.

The expedition was later broadcasted in Britain and on CCTV (the national station of China Central TV), including scenes of their Sunday worship on the highland by the River. I was punished by the research institute by announcing on the big PA system to hundreds of my colleagues my mistake and the official condemnation, for going beyond my vacation days (because of delay by a big snow storm) and not telling the truth about the trip. But as the Chinese idiom says, I also “got goodness out of misfortune”.  A beautiful young lady was in the audience and was impressed with my ability to commit such a “crime”. I later managed to date her and today she is my wife. More important than that is the British Christians’ good witness, which canceled out a lot of my preconceived misunderstandings and aversion towards Christianity, paving the way for my conversion.  

After the expedition, a young friend of mine told me that he had become a Christian, and invited me to one of their house church Bible study gatherings.  I was amazed to see a group of young intellectuals with similar background as mine pray, sing hymns, study the Bible and share together.  However, at that time, I knew almost nothing about God and the Bible, and my good impression of Christianity was only on the cultural and intellectual level.  I did not even think about personal relationship with God and what it means for my life.

In August 1992, I came to the United States to pursue graduate study (in chemistry) at the University of Alabama and to seek my “America Dream”.  Being able to “make it” abroad was not easy at all for a young Chinese intellectual.  Besides the academic challenges (only the very top ones with exceedingly good TOEFL and GRE scores could get the admission and financial aid), it was extremely difficult to get the passport from the Chinese authority (especially because I was involved in the June 4th event) and the visa from the American Consulate.  I spent four days and four nights in front of the U.S. Consulate in Chengdu, and nearly missed my I-20 form for the visa (it was lost and the replica did not get in my hand until the last day before my interview with the Consulate).  Thinking back today, it is clear that I was able to come to the US only because God’s loving hand was working behind everything.

The first period of time after I arrived in Alabama was very tough, since I had to endure loneness away from my family and my newly wedded wife, and to cope with new life in a strange land.  During that time, I got much help from some fellow Chinese graduate students and their families, most of whom I soon found out to be Christians young in their Christian lives. They picked me up from the airport on day one, gave me rides to shop, invited me to their homes for Chinese meals, picked up old mattress others threw away for me to use as bed (there was no furniture in my apartment in the beginning), and offered many other helps.  They took me to their Bible studies and I got to know many other Christian friends, Chinese and American.  Their loving deeds and kind help brought a lot of warmth to me, and I was much touched by the love they lived out which I knew had to come from their Christian faith.  The peace and joy from their lives were so real and inspiring and just as my experience with the British expedition team, it again caused me to desire to have such a life.

The Bible studies in the Chinese Christian Fellowship in the small southern college town gave me much-needed opportunities to learn about the basic but accurate doctrines of Christianity.  In the beginning I had tons of questions to ask, and was quite a difficult and tough seeker. Fortunately the Bible studies were very open, and the Christian friends responded to my harsh, opinionated and provoking questions with much patience and wisdom. My knowledge and understanding increased quickly with all the debates and discussions. I started to realize that I had a lot of misunderstanding and prejudice to Christianity, and I had to overcome many obstacles out of my atheist and rationalist thinking paradigm.  The much profound thinking and discussion on issues such as the true-ness of the bible, creation vs. evolution, faith and reason, and Christianity vs. other religions and cultures, etc., convinced me that the Christian belief is truth and broke my intellectual stronghold bit by bit. The Bible and Jesus’ teachings had even greater impact on my seeking heart.

But the greatest factor of all was the Christian love that Christians had demonstrated in their actions. It was shocking and very thought-provoking to me. I had grown up in the communist culture of hatred, which taught us to hate our enemy in the class struggle. Mao famously said that “there is absolutely no love in this world without reason”. But by the Yangtze river in the Tibetan village and in the little college town of US south, I did experience and witness a kind of love that has no worldly reason. I knew that it was impossible that I can repay the love and caring from my Christian friends. I knew that they did what they did purely out of Christian charity, as a true expression of their faith and their value. They were first loved and saved by God. Their real testimony is strong evidence of the biblical truth.

On one Sunday in October 1992, I was attending worship with friends in a local American church (Tuscaloosa First Baptist Church).  I do not remember much about the details of what the pastor preached that day, but my heart was so touched by God that tears filled my eyes.  I realized what a sinner I was, and was strongly moved by Christ’s love to turn to God.  When the pastor asked people who decided to accept Christ as their Savior and Lord to come to the front, I stood up as if I lost control of myself, and I walked to the front and hold the pastor’s hands. I told him I wanted to accept Christ and my savior and Lord right there and right then.  Soon after that, I was baptized in the same church.

A few years ago I was surfing on the Chinese Q&A website of Zhihu (which is similar to Quora, but arguably better, and influential among Chinese intellectuals). One answer to the question “under what circumstance did you believe in God?” caught my attention. It was written by a Chinese man in film-making industry, who called himself Mr. Luo Deng (pen-name). Mr. Luo said in his answer that his spiritual journey was influenced by a group of British Christians he came across in Garze. He said that the British team was going to Dengke to do charity work, and he was so moved by their love and faith. I immediately realized that he was talking about the same group as the 1990 expedition team, because I knew Mel had led teams to Dengke after the first expedition for many years. I was very excited to see another guy with the same experience as mine. I contacted Mr. Deng privately and also answered the same question sharing my own story. Later another netter commented under my answer and said that she had the same experience too when she worked with the team as an interpreter. In the 2018 Dengke trip I met more interpreters for the team who have become Christians. Apparently serving as an interpreter on the Project Dengke team has been used by God greatly as a means of evangelizing Chinese young men and women!    

I was very moved by the stories on Zhihu. Luo Deng’s answer got tons of likes and people appreciate one sentence in it most. What he said can be literally translated into English as the following: “I believe that the best evangelism is the lifestyle of a Christian.” During the 2018 Dengke Project trip, I had opportunity to share with the team my conversion story and encourage the teammates using the Scripture ( I used Matthew 5:13-16 that calls Christians to be salt and light of the world) as well as Mr. Luo’s words to make the point of what significance the Project has that is related to evangelism.

Back to my own journey of faith. Baptism was only the beginning of my new spiritual journey. My life was greatly changed after I became a Christian, even though I was not always fully aware of it.  My worldview and value were transformed by the Word of God.  The self-centered-ness, self-righteousness and denial of God’s existence were replaced by the repentance of my sins, obedience to God and a thankful heart. I had sought the meaning of life with such pain, and now I am able to know the true and only God, the Creator of the universe and Keeper of our lives, through Jesus Christ. I am able to have a close relationship with God through prayers and studying His Word, and experience His guidance in my daily life. I can now experience the peace and joy that transcend the surroundings and the more abundant life that Christ gives us, just as the British team did.  My wandering heart has found the ultimate anchor, and my lost soul has found the eternal home.   

That does not mean that my journey after conversion was all smooth, or my spiritual growth did not take time. After I graduated from the University of Alabama with a Master of Science degree in 1995, I started working in the chemical industry in the US, and I worked in that field for 16 years, most of the time as an R&D technical manager. Later my wife and I had two sons (born in 1996 and 2003 respectively). I went through many difficulties and challenges in my marriage, my family, my career and my serving inside and outside the church.

But the Lord is faithful and his grace is sufficient. Many things happened in my life. I learned in my career and in my family life, as well as my serving on the Internet and in the Chinese churches (I have worshiped and served in a number of Chinese churches in the US). I learned from my mistakes and failures, and God let me grow in various areas of my life. The journey is filled with my weakness, but it is also filled with God’s leading and providence.

One example is my writing “career”. I started writing about Christianity on the Chinese Internet in 1995 (when the Chinese Internet was just starting with very primitive technologies) because I felt the need for apologetic involvement, and I have since been active on the Chinese cyberspace and new media (Zhihu is but one example), dialoging with global Chinese intellectuals and evangelizing with my writings and podcast. In 1996 I joined the Chinese Christian Internet Mission as one of its earliest core co-workers. In 1998 I created the evangelist and apologetic website “Jidian’s Links” (“Jidian”, the Chinese pin yin for “Gideon”, is my pen-name), which provided resources of apologetics and Christian culture to Chinese netters.

In 2009 I published my first book in Chinese (a collection of apologetic dialogs with non-believers) in the U. S. In 2012 I published my second book (a collection of my blog essays on Christian culture and belief) in China. Today I am known as a writer in China, and I was allowed to give talks about Christianity in the Christian bookstores and coffee houses in many Chinese cities. After many years of writing on the Internet, I am regarded as one of the earliest “internet missionaries” on the Chinese internet, both by Chinese intellectuals and by the Chinese communist government - I was named as one of “the most influential (by which they meant ‘dangerous’) internet missionaries” in an official paper on a Communist Youth League Central Committee journal warning Chinese about the “invasion of western ideology under the disguise of religion”.

I also became a core author for Overseas Campus (OC), a well-known evangelical magazine for Chinese intellectuals founded in the U. S. at the same year when I became a Christian (1992). In 2011, I was called by God to make a career change to serve God full time and I joined the Overseas Campus Ministries (OCM) to lead the ministry’s Internet mission. (I responded to God’s calling for the first time at a Campus Crusade for Christ conference way back in 1993.) I have since helped establish multiple new media products, such as the electronic magazine e-OC, the OC WeChat Public Accout (which had 70,000 subscribers before being shut down by the Chinese authority in December 2018), the OC Fuyin website (ocfuyin.org, fuyin being the Chinese phonetic of “the Gospel”), and the evangelist “Jidian’s Chat” podcast (http://ocfuyin.org/category/jdlt). I also lead the work of the paper magazine of OC as its chief editor. It is purely by God’s grace that I became a full-time Christian worker in media and new media from a scientist background.

My work at OCM went much beyond writing, recording, editing and project management. I gave evangelist talks in Chinese churches in North America and Asia (China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan, Malaysia, etc.). (Because of my background in science, I started speaking on “science vs. Christian faith” in China as early as in 2000, and now my evangelist talks include many other topics.) I was an evangelist speaker and preacher for Chinese churches in North America and Asia. I also give trainings on evangelism, discipleship, apologetics, students and returnees ministries, Christian life, etc. I served as speaker in various Christian conferences.

Near the end of 2019, I responded to God's new call and joined a mission organization to serve God and diaspora Chinese in the U. S. In my local church (a Chinese church in Maryland), I serve by leading bible studies and teaching Sunday school. I am studying theology at the Reformed Theological Seminary Global, working towards an MAR degree while working full time. I also serve in the TGC (The Gospel Coalition) Chinese team. During the COVID time I started my evangelist livestreaming on YouTube: http://tinyurl.com/JidianYT, and continued to preach, teach and train Chinese Christians using the Internet tools. I look forward to many more years of serving our Lord.  

Looking back on my spiritual journey, I am with great awe and thankfulness for God’s Grace on me.  I believe that it is not by any “coincident”, but by the leading of God’s own loving hands, that I have become what I am today.  My story is just another testimony of God’s amazing Grace, infinite Love and great Power.  I pray that I will be endowed the faith and strength to serve God and follow Christ all my life.

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